2023 has brought change for me but in the best ways - starting a job in the legal industry helping victims of domestic violence and moving in with my partner. As I have done since 2017, this is my reflection on 2023.
I have thought about writing about this before on various occasions, but tackling this topic scared me and I wanted to make sure my experience was recent enough that it felt authentic. I debated whether to even post about loss and grief because it is so personal and is such a complex and difficult process.
Death is a taboo subject in our society and it makes people uncomfortable. As no one knows what happens after death, it often feels intimidating and is one of those subjects that we avoid thinking about until we are forced to confront it. But the truth is all of us will experience loss at some point, and not talking about it only makes it that much harder when we have to go through it. As loss is something everyone will encounter at some point, and it is rarely discussed I thought it might be helpful to document my experience for somebody else to read.
The end of this year wasn’t what I would have hoped but that doesn’t mean that the whole of this year was bad. In fact, I would say the first half was pretty good and I really enjoyed this summer. 2022 has had some good memories, even if there were really difficult times. As I do at the end of every year, I wanted to document what I have learnt in 2022.
“Be happy”. A quote that everyone has heard and has been repeated so often. “Whatever you do just be happy” and “search for your happiness” - as if it were that simple. Like happiness is something you can pluck out of thin air and then you are sorted. A magical cure if you feel depressed and something that somehow can make your anxiety or any other problem just disappear.
Dear reader,
I’ve had the title of this blog in my drafts for a while but didn’t quite know how to tackle it initially.
Having spent most of my life in the education system, there was always an obvious next step. Progressing onto the next academic year. I grew accustomed to the sense of security of knowing that I would be returning to school or in my later years, university. No matter how difficult life got and the things it threw at me, that seemed to be the one constant and something that helped ground me. Sure there were changes, like going from primary school to secondary school and secondary school to sixth form. Then sixth form to university and these had their own challenges, as all new phases do. But, there was one constant in it all, there was always a clear next step for me, even if it was different to the previous one.
Since graduating, I have had a lot more free time on my hands and a lot more time to reflect on my experiences. Having finished my degree, I no longer have a clear structure and everything is up to me. This has led to a natural pause after being involved in a lot over the last year. I have been reliving memories by looking at photos in my camera roll and playing back videos. I came across the clips that I took during the lockdown as some sort of video diary of what it was like.
Over the last few years, I’ve found myself increasingly more conscious of the impact that I have on the planet and environment. I’ve always cared about the planet and hate to see the damage to it, but beforehand, I didn’t really give much thought to how my actions could be affecting it. One of the good things about sustainability and eco-friendliness becoming so big on social media (although it should have never been a trend and rather something we are always looking out for) was that it got me to think more deeply about what I was already doing and what more I could do. This post may seem very obvious and not particularly mind-blowing, but I am posting it more as a reminder that it matters more what you do change, no matter how small. Social media these days is bombarded with seemingly perfect sustainable lifestyles so I wanted to show a more human and realistic side.
My time at university, although filled with some of the best times of my life were also the hardest years of my life. I had a lot of lows and at points felt like I had hit rock bottom. This has meant that I have ended up learning a lot both about myself and generally from experience. Now that I have finished my law degree at university, I wanted to reflect on my experience generally and the takeaways from my time at university.
The first time I heard about anxiety was in secondary school and I did not really know what it meant. I did not understand the difference between struggling with anxiety and simply feeling nervous and to me they seemed like the same thing. I never really gave it any real thought because I never thought it was something I needed to think about and there were so many misconceptions around it anyway that I simply ignored it.
It has been a while since I consistently blogged. I spent more than a year uploading every single Sunday of every week (with a few exceptions here and there), but somewhere along the lines, things got hard and I felt a bit lost. I stopped doing as much of what I loved. Even at points where I wanted to blog, I did not really know what to say.
Over various points, I have thought about what influences how well you can do in something and what you can achieve. I was thinking more particularly about all those moments where it all seems undoable and you want to give up on what you are working towards. The really hard points where you can lose the reason why you started in the first place and it all feels uphill. The defining moments where if you choose to carry on, it could be the difference between you achieving something or not achieving it.
I am not really sure what to make of 2021. This year honestly felt like the second part of 2020 and was hard. My 2021 was two halves. The first half was restrictions - lockdowns and very few places open. It was this half, where I almost lost all sense of myself, being mainly in my room. Then there was the second half, where things started opening up again and I was able to feel a little more like myself being able to get involved in more. Either way, 2021 taught me a lot.
If you are reading this, then it means I found the courage to upload this post to my blog instead of it sitting in my drafts or in a word document. When I first started supporting people I care about with their mental health, I never imagined I might one day find myself in this situation. To be honest, I am terrified of ever sharing this, but I don’t know who might need to read this.
Over the last few months, I have realised that I have felt invalidated in various ways. So much so that at points I completely stopped even considering how I feel. Sometimes when I have felt invalidated it is due to other people's actions (ignoring how I may feel or completely disregarding it) and sometimes my own choices (such as not considering how I am in given moments). Or a combination of both. However, regardless of whatever invalidation you have faced, what you have to say matters. What you experience is real and no one is in a position to tell you what your lived experience is.
I have noticed that it is not very common for me to feel completely happy with what I achieve. That there always seems to be one thing that I demand better of myself in. Whilst striving for better is always something good, there comes a point where you also have to recognise and acknowledge what you have got. Be proud of yourself for what you have achieved even if the result was not entirely what you were aiming for.
I’d never had therapy before this year. In hindsight, therapy is something 14-year-old me should have done. But, I was too embarrassed about it and the thought of asking for help filled me with absolute dread. So I always pretended to feel okay when I wasn't and managed to avoid ever going. I was able to get out of the difficult period by myself, but I know I could have done with some support. Fast forward to now, and I no longer feel embarrassed about the prospect of going to therapy or being in therapy, but taking the steps were still daunting. I am writing this post to reassure someone who is nervous about seeking therapy, remind you that you are not alone and normalise being in therapy; therapy is no different to going to the doctor when you feel physically ill.
How many times have you automatically answered "I am okay" to the question how are you? Without even thinking. Without properly taking a moment to pause and question whether you really feel okay. Or openly admitting that recently you may not have been feeling yourself. It has always been obvious to me that we avoid talking about mental health and difficult conversations as to how we really feel, but I suppose never as much as now. Coronavirus has isolated us a lot and made it so much easier to lie, especially because a lot of our communication is now through a screen. It is so easy to type the words "I am fine" on your phone whilst actually crying your eyes out.
Sometimes we keep going mindlessly. So much to the point where it all becomes monotonous and we are not sure why we started in the first place. We forget our why and what the original goal of everything was. That happened to me recently. I was just getting things done for the sake of getting them done - I did not see the point, it was just something that needed doing. The original spark or motivation I once had was gone and so I needed a reset. A way to start fresh.
It is Valentine's day today. I have seen a fair amount of posts surrounding Valentine's day and the typical how to find the perfect gifts etc. But before you can be happy in any relationship, you have to know how to love yourself. That is why I wanted to talk a little bit about self-love this Valentine's day. It feels somewhat cringey and unoriginal talking about this, but I think it is an important one.
